Must I Paint You a Picture

It’s bad timing and me
We find a lot of things out this way
And there’s you
A little black cloud in a dress
The temptation
To take the precious things we have apart
To see how they work
Must be resisted for they never fit together again
If this is rain let it fall on me and drown me
If these are tears let them fall

Chorus:
Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel
You know my love for you is strong, girl
You know my love for you is real

It took a short walk and a talk
To change the rules of engagement
While you searched frantically for reverse and them claiming
That virtue never tested is no virtue at all
And so I lost my ignorance
And now the bells across the river chime out your name
I look across to them again

All your friends said come down
It will never fly
And on that imperfect day
We threw it all away
Crisis after crisis, with such intensity
This would never happen if we lived by the sea

Most important decisions in life
Are made between two people in bed
I found that out at my expense
And when I see you
You just turn around and walk away like we never met
Oh we used to be so brave
I dreamt the world stopped turning as we climbed the hill
I dreamt impossible dreams that we were lovers still

-Billy Bragg

Where’s the Axe?

I knew I was in trouble when I stopped crying and just accepted that he wasn’t coming home.  Again.  No calls, he would just disappear, usually around pay day.  The layers of shame fused together like the hairs of an armadillo, making a shell that I can roll myself up in for protection.  However it works both ways, shutting others out and keeping my pain and shame in.  I don’t even know how to unroll anymore, how to expose the soft underbelly that is there.  As brave as I am about accepting challenges it doesn’t extend to interpersonal relationships.  I am guarded.  My fears and pain rule my heart.  The door is locked and I’ve lost the key, so even if I wanted to give it to someone I don’t know where it is.  Hand me an axe to chop through it, will you?

Laura Experiences Dating in 2006

Here it is 2006 and I’m single again.  I was in an exclusive relationship for 11 years (four of which we were married) and the last year I have taken a time out to deal with my divorce both emotionally and legally.  My scooter club decided to host a Speed Dating event as a fund raiser.  With an open mind and full of false confidence I thought “OK maybe I can meet some nice single guys, what the heck.�  Last night was the night.

It seemed that 2 ½ hours between work and the event would be plenty of time to go home, get tarted up and drive over.  I found myself running out of the house, slightly panicked that I would be late.  It was a clear, beautiful night.  A part of me was hoping that there would be a reason not to show up.

Maybe there’ll be horrible traffic.

Maybe I won’t be able to stretch my arm out to give the $3.00 to the toll taker.

Maybe I won’t be able to find parking.

No such luck.  I had no excuse except that I felt ill from anxiety and wanted to chicken out.  I stuffed my fears and set out determined to make the best of it.  I was ready to meet 20 single guys in an hour.  Well as ready as I was ever going to be anyway.

The girls from the club were all set.  Checking people in, giving out gift packs, taking photos so that if there was a match you could remember who the heck the person was.  It was incredibly uncomfortable but I don’t think there was anyone who didn’t feel that way so it was an even playing field at least.  I’m not sure about the concept of speed dating on the whole.  Introductions from other friends always seemed to work before but since most of my friends are now couples, and most of their friends are now couples, the pool is pretty small.  Three minutes to decide if you want to see a person again doesn’t seem like enough time but as we got going sometimes it seemed it was too much time and yes, sometimes, not enough.  I can say that I spoke to some very nice and interesting gentlemen.

I do tend to think of myself as a fairly flirty person.  I’m actually painfully shy so I tend to overcompensate.  Here was my opportunity to get down and I was so freaked out that I had a hard time chatting these guys up.  So bad, in fact, that afterwards when I was invited to have some fries with one, I said “oh thanks but no�.  My friend, Pete, kicked me and told me to get my ass over there “He wants to get to know you!�.  So I gathered myself up and walked over.  I actually had chosen him to follow up with so why was I so hesitant?.  What’s wrong with me (slapping myself in the head) I wouldn’t know if a guy was interested in me if he stated it flat out!

11:00 pm rolled around pretty quickly and I said my goodbyes.  Jen told me I’d get the results in the morning by email.  I put five on my list and could only hope that I didn’t make such a complete ass of myself that maybe someone would think “Hey I’d like to get to know her�.

As if building up to last night and getting through it wasn’t daunting enough, today was pure hell waiting for the rejection to come.  I spent the morning trying to focus my thoughts on work and not compulsively check my other email account to look for the “matches�.  Not sure what scares me more actually, that no one would be interested (whew off the hook) or that I might get a date (oh god now what)?

Two out of five indicated interest in me, well I guess I did OK.  We’ll see.

Yearning

All day long I felt like I was fighting to move through a dream. It was like the thick fog actually made the air have weight and mass. My mind was sleepy too. Even after a double low-fat latte and two cups of black tea I was yawning and craving sleep. Daily tasks slapped me in the face more than a few times, urging me to feel anxious, but I was too tired to do more than go through the motions, solve the dilemma, give a nod to the issue and move on. Not a bad thing per se but I didn’t feel engaged for most of the day.

Now that it is approaching midnight I am wide awake with mind racing faster than I can write. Shit! I have to get up at 5:30 am. Shit! I have to be awake for physical therapy in the morning. Shit! Why am I so awake now? My hand and shoulder ache but that’s not what is keeping me up. It is a yearning. For what? Hell, I don’t know but that’s what it feels like. Craving, desire, want. But for what? Love, sex, money? How about peace, rest, quiet, fulfillment. Yes, that’s it I’m yearning for peace tonight. Oh how I want to feel its comforting embrance.

Early Musical Influences

A friend of mine asked “What were the ten songs/albums that were your earliest musical influences and why?”  It took some time to put together that list and here it is.  What were your’s?

 

The Beatles – Sgt Peppers

Actually Rubber Soul is my favorite Beatles album but Sgt Peppers really had a bigger impact on my young mind.  It was my parent’s record with the original paper badges insert (still have it).  A Day In the Life was the track that made my mind explode.  I can’t tell you why now but I remember it oh so clearly the first time it played.

 

The Miracles – Love Machine

The City of Angels was the first album I used my own money to purchase.  I still have it.  Somehow it managed to escape being smashed with all my other disco records when I turned to punk rock instead.

 

The Brothers Johnson – Strawberry Letter 23

I bought this 45 and played it to death.  It had a scratch and sniff cover that smelled like strawberries of course and looked like an envelope.

 

Wild Cherry – 99 ½

My introduction to funk from my neighbor, Lawrence.

 

KTEL – Greatest Hits of 1976

I still have this record!  I’m sure now why I loved it so much but I did.

 

The Who – Quadrophenia

Spoke so clearly to my early teen age angst and alienation.  I heard the album before the film came out.  I have the original with its multi-page picture booklet. 

 

The Selector – The Selector

My first ska album.  I loved Too Much Pressure and Carry, Go, Bring, Come.  I had no idea what they were talking about or that these songs were covers but this got me started.

 

Gang of Four – Entertainment

Lawrence told me to buy this.  I did and it is still one of my favorites.  Anthrax is my favorite song, funny as I am actually a hopeless romantic.  Or maybe I should say a romantic without hope?

 

Generation X – Generation X

This record came to my attention at age 16.  I was working at the local college radio station and flirting shamelessly with one of the DJs (Bus Riley).  I called in to his show one night and told me to play something for me, DJ’s choice – Kiss Me Deadly was his choice.  We ended up dating for almost a year!  The song still gets my heart jumping.

 

Peter Tosh – Wanted Dread or Alive

When I was 15 I had a radio slot on my high school station.  The instructor said there was a guy who was interested in sponsoring a reggae show and did I have any interest in taking the genre on.  I was game and ended up meeting weekly with this guy to learn about reggae and borrow records for the show.  He was a teenage counselor, white, with long blond dreads.  He took the time to teach me about reggae and although he didn’t want me to play songs with a pro-weed message he did play them for me.  “Nothing But Love� is still a favorite song from this period in my life.

Discarded

Discarded. Thrown in the corner of the closet. The fit, the smell, the feel is familiar and somehow comforting but not to be worn again. Why am I aching for the physical intimacy that was nothing more than a way to pass the time from the start? I didn’t want you to fall in love with me. But I liked being wanted.

Now you have a new suit and though you won’t say it, I can see in your eyes that you’re done with me. The loneliness never left even when I lay there in your arms but now it consumes me and I feel bitter. I don’t want to, but I do.

It will pass. This isn’t the first time a lover has turned me aside for another. You don’t even have to say that’s what is happening, I already know. It was bound to happen sooner or later. It hurts. I don’t want it to, but it does.

It gnaws at my insides. Why not me? I didn’t want you to fall in love with me, but why didn’t you? It’s not my heart that is hurt, it is my ego.  There is something wrong with me that I can be so easily replaced, so easily scorned, so thoughlessly discarded. Last season’s fashion, so out of style.